This winter/spring has been a season of surprising, sometimes shocking, contrasts in the weather. One day it's cold, the next it's as warm as early summer. One day it's raining, and the next it's the brightest sunshine you've ever seen. Then again sometimes it hasn't even waited a whole day to do a complete turn around. And then there have been the days the past couple months where the sun is shining so brightly and at the same time it's pouring down rain. How is it possible to have such contrasts within a week? Within an hour? Within a moment?
I feel like God has this way of showing us examples of life through nature so that we can understand and recognize His work in our lives more. This season in nature seems to echo my life right now.
Everything is sunny and fabulous. I'm so blessed in every way right now. I mean honestly.
God has blessed me with a new/old relationship with my fabulous boyfriend, who has been a constant in my life for seven years even when we were fighting to be "just friends." He's such a blessing to me in every way, and I love him very much. We've only been officially back together for three weeks, but we've been going around the issue for the seven years we've been apart. And during that time we were each allowing God to shape us so that we'd be ready for what He had for us. If we're honest, I've loved him the whole time, even when I didn't know it.
I've also been blessed with more work in the past two weeks than I can handle. I mean, I feel like God finally said, "Okay, you've had enough time of trusting me without any seeming results, here's EVERYTHING I've prepared for you all at once." The biggest part of that work has been the class I've been working with. First grade. I was a little scared, my last experience with first grade wasn't my favorite experience. It was actually very hard. And this class has given me so much joy and more confidence. I've also been getting other jobs. I haven't had a "day off" in the last two weeks, and I love it.
I have a fabulous roommate who loves me. I have fabulous family who support me. And I've been helping at Awana in ways that are right where I want to be. Life couldn't get any better. I really do mean that. And yet...
With all this sunshine, how could there possibly be rain? (Now, I want to clarify that I actually love rain, but since most people see it as dreary and sad, it fits my analogy much better than anything else) Yet, there is rain.
I find myself, in this season, feeling more emotional. Perhaps God is using this time to heal me, especially through the support of my amazing boyfriend that I didn't have before in the same way. But as we explore the emotions that come with a new relationship, I find that other emotions which I thought were under control are re-emerging.
The pain of a broken heart from some of those who I used to respect immensely, who have hurt me and continue to do so, has shown me that I have not healed as I thought I had. I feel like the pain will never heal and it keeps finding ways to push into my happiness.
The pain of a low self-image has re-emerged as well. I've been reminded that I'm beautiful and made in God's image. And I try to believe it. And then a mere child asks me what happened to my arms and I'm sucked down into the same feelings as before, knowing that I can't change what happened to my body. I can't fix my arms or legs. They'll never be what I want them to be short of surgery. I get sucked into feeling so ugly, fat and unworthy, and it doesn't even take a malicious comment. It simply takes the curiosity of a small child. And this despite being reminded daily that I am loved and beautiful.
These pains are the rain amidst my sunshine. Everything in my life reminds me of the blessings God is giving me every day. I am so happy, so full of joy and smiles. And realizing that I still have to deal with the rain even when it's so sunny is discouraging at times. But then I remember the beauty of nature when there is rain amidst sunshine. And I remember at those moments that everything in my life is being used by God to shape me for the things he has prepared for me.
And so my friends, if you're dealing with sunshine mixed with rain, remember that the rain is needed to shape your life as much as the sunshine. And God will use all things for your good. As for me, my sunshine is helping me to get through all the rain and I thank him for being so wonderful and understanding. And I thank God that it isn't just rainy. I love you all.
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